So, turns out I have cancer. How fucking great is that.
As I keep telling people though, it’s the good type though, so not to worry. It’s a bit like the good type of Aids, you know., the sort you get from a blood transfusion and not from a prison gang bang. The sort that you die with, and not from, the sort that you don’t even get your life insurance to pay out on so you can go to Vegas, because your cancer isn’t cancerous enough. The sort that you get to tell fun stories about apparently, because apparently, cancer is a laughing matter.
You know the sort.
I found out a few months ago. I’d just had my annual medical, and that includes the usual rummage around in my arse to check my prostate, and having recently hit 50 they throw in a PSA blood test to check the same. I remember coming home and telling Mrs Afterwards about how the Doc had said that should there be any issues with the PSA test I may need further tests and procedures, and then – with the sort of pleasure that made me think some chap may have recently wronged her romantically, perhaps with her sister or best friend – she explained in great detail how awful these procedures were and how they could ultimately lead to sepsis of the arse and that would be a truly awful experience.
About a week later I was out walking the dog in the snow and she left me a voicemail explaining that I needed to call back. Well you can imagine the thoughts running through my head, most of which involved her slapping my exposed ass as I was bent over a table and telling me, “Yup, you have arse sepsis sir, and all men are pigs!”
Anyway, I don’t have arse sepsis and most men are pigs, but after an MRI scan, loads more curious rummaging in my bottom (by a specialist rummager this time though) and being put into a medieval torture device – of which I will likely write about another time – and having the aforementioned specialist take a shit ton of samples from my prostate, it turns out I have a mild case of cancer.
I’m mostly ok about it I think. Told the kids, and as my wife and I predicted, the youngest worried and the eldest started to laugh. Eldest has this weird nervous laughter thing when it comes to death and misery. At least I think its that. He might just be a monster. He did recently ask if it was contagious, though it turns out he meant hereditary. This was realised too late to avoid a conversation about me shooting cancer jizz. Mrs Afterwards was horrified and then forced to introduce a rule that forbids anyone in the household from using the phrase ‘cancer jizz’. Especially over dinner.
I will be having more bloods this week to see how things are looking as the prognosis is really good and there are no plans to treat it yet, with the side effects of the treatment being wholly worse than the disease right now. So that’s a good thing.
Then again, what’s worse than arse sepsis and cancer jizz, right. Actually they sound like really shit superheroes don’t they.
Anyway, so that’s what’s been happening here. Life eh.
Afterwards 
I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’m very glad, however, to know it’s a mild case. Bill has gone through all of that prostate stuff, including the surgery and sepsis. NOT a fun time. I know he would be happy to give you the patient’s view and not just the doc’s clinical reports. At this stage, you might not want to talk about it, but if you do… I have to say though, having an excuse to use the term “cancer jizz” must have made you smirk just a bit. Bright side, eh? Sending hugs! ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Linda, indeed there are always smiles to be found no matter the circumstances! Oh I am intending to use the term “Cancer Jizz” extensively. Occasionally I will do extravagant hip thrusts to heighten the inappropriateness. Apparently this is is not the way adults behave. I just blame the cancer jizz!
I hope Bill is well recovered from his own ordeal, the offer of another view is most appreciated indeed!
LikeLike
Michael – How the hell did I miss this post when I read the May post of pictures right under it? I was down at work with computer issues and trying valiantly to catch up here and scrolling down to ensure I missed no posts. Geez – I’m sorry to read this. I wondered where you had been, your posts were more sporadic, so I figured you were just out and about more, camper van trips with the boys, long walks with Theo, weekend getaways … not weighed down by medical issues. Well, I will put you on my prayer list because prayer is powerful, even when it comes from across the pond. Cancer is not a medical issue in my family – heart disease is. So heart issues worry me, but, unlike you who is smart enough to have a yearly physical, I’m no fan of doctors, especially in this COVID age. I’ve not had a complete physical since 2009. So, good you went for the physical and have done it in the past to get a baseline. Chin up and keep us posted please. Again sorry for your news Michael and for missing this important post.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Also, I want to mention this about radiation implants – do you have specialists who use these treatments? My boss had prostate cancer about three years ago. He polled alot of his colleagues and friends, all whom had prostate cancer. Some opted for radiation – some opted for surgery. The ones who had surgery were away from their practices a long time recovering. My boss, a workaholic and sole practitioner was not in favor of that idea. His prostate cancer was not widespread and radiation seemed too radical for a small target. He researched and found the Cleveland Clinic (a large hospital that specializes in procedures that are more modern and techno-savvy than other hospitals) used a procedure called planting “radiation seeds”. He had the radiation implants done in November 2019. Missed one day of work – felt fine – only issues were some incontinence, but that stopped after a few weeks. He could not fly for about six months, could not sleep with a pregnant woman or hold a small pet or small child in his lap for X number of months. I forgot – he sent me the brochure he got to read all about it. He is an avid bicyclist and also did not want to miss bike riding in the Summer … he set parameters and was happy with the recovery period and the result, though he said “there I was, spread-eagled and naked with everyone staring at me while targeting where the radiation was going to go.” He had to go for a follow-up maybe a month later to ensure the radiation did not migrate. This radion seeds treatment is good to know about and I wanted to share it – you don’t have to moderate this comment to appear.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No apologies needed! Thank you linda.
. the prognosis is good and im not losing any sleep over it…i would certainly advocate the checkups though…handy indeed
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of wow no not heard of that… im seeing doc next week to see what happens next so gifts cried nothing required yet but one never knows…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well hopefully it’s not necessary but it is a good option to keep in mind.
LikeLiked by 1 person
there is not much to be said, really…except that i like you, tho I hardly know you except by what you write which I like very much. You seem like an honest person saying real things in an honest way, which I appreciate. No high flying holy water spewing bullshit here, no sir. Well, there is one thing that comes to mind which is written on the door of the Zen monastery I go to some times. “Life and Death are the great matter; Impermanence is swift, Awaken to this reality, Practice without delay”. Love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you kindly….as my grandad used to say, “Worse things happen at sea! ”
He did spend 40 years at sea though, so.im not sure how bad it must have been. Or maybe having 8 kids at home was worse…
🙂
LikeLike
Well, your sense of humor is intact. And you, sir, have a pristine skill of storytelling that doesn’t evoke dread in people. You should be issuing bad news as a job… or a hobby… or a part-time thing… I mean, start a business of BadNews INC. Damn, mate, I really hope that “companion” you got there leaves as soon as possible. Hang in there, bud. I wish you all well.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha that’s an ideas pal! Many thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow dude, I’ve been missing a lot on my journey back to some form of decent mental health.
The best news is they caught it early, my friend Gerald (who has the prostrate cancer) has survived well past their survival rate and says their treatments have come a long way.
I’m don’t think/remember if I said anything on here but I got diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2020, and had to go through all the procedures and tests and treatments as well til they finally just removed my uterus and part of my cervix.
Stay strong M… I’m here for you.
LikeLike
Thanks ND… im hopeful for sure! Sorry to hear what U went through… sounds bloody awful!
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’ll hopefully yours isn’t. Can’t imagine sepsis of the butt hahaha
LikeLiked by 1 person
Indeed…sounds frightful
LikeLike
I somehow missed this post and wanted to be sure to comment on it (got the link from your pizza oven post). I am sorry to say, welcome to the cancer club. We are a strong bunch who will whole heartedly support you in your battle with the big C. You already seem to have a handle on things…. I think you should do another book and title it Cancer Jizz. A positive attitude makes all the difference as you run through all the test and radioactive injections. You will be in my thoughts Michael!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Leigha x cancer jizz
..the power of positivity!
Foreword by Leigha Robbins
Well be millionaires!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! 🤣😂🤣
LikeLiked by 1 person